The World

I am back in the world!
I had my interview, got the job, been there a week.
So how do I feel? bloody fantastic!

I had a major wobble (panic attack) but really it was all about how I will work around children still at school.  My mother, has decided to send out all weird signals about how she will help out in an 'emergancy' but is far too busy otherwise.  I was incredibly angry, really felt let down.  I didn't ask her out right to pick up any of the children from school, because I got the feeling before hand how she felt. 
So I have been struggling alittle.  a woman I know from school has been collecting them and I have been picking them up on the way home.  So I have been more worried about that than the Job!

Luckily the two eldest have been coming home and going to school on their own for along time and I have no worries about them.

The job? well it feels like I have gone home, I enjoy it, I find it pretty easy so far.  Last week I was training on the new fangled tills...that's one thing that's changed! lots of new products to learn about.  This week I will be training in the other store, opening up, cashing up, closing up!! gah! figures...Last time I worked there I got to Assistant Manager and regularly managed the store for the lazy sod. But that was a gradual build up over a year or two! not 2 weeks....

Of course I do feel more confidant as a person, its alot different as a 41 year old than a shy 20 year old.

So all said and done I feel like life is finally going my way! My house is a mess, there is no food in the fridge and my legs ache so much I feel 60! but I'm incredibly happy right now.

Wasteland

I had an interview, for a job I used to do 20 years ago.

I wrote to the shop, I got no reply.
Somebody came to my door and asked me to ring them, they had lost my cv but some people remembered me and where I lived.
So that was really a shock, and I had the interview yesterday.  The woman is lovely, I enjoyed it.  I find out on Saturday.
I dont know if I want it to work out or not!!!
if I get the job, yay! but oh...I will need to be at the shop for 9am and two out of 4 kids need taking to school. M said 'your mam has to help out more' and mam said,' me and dad will try and help out but
not as a regular thing, M has to help out more'
*sigh*

Grave expectations

I have an audiobook t the moment called Tallula Rising.  I am torn between loving it and disparing of it! Its gritty and descriptive which I love, all that flowery writing and emotion.  But its also filthy and sex ridden.  It has alot of language yes and most of it is ok, I dont mind that.  But why must a female warewolf be so driven by sex? Is it because she is part wolf? and animals do come down to instinct?  Or could it just be that the author has stuffed as much sex into the book as possible because that sells.

I do like how the female has issues with emotions and bonding...great we arnt all perfect mothers/angels! 
I do not like the narrators accent, Im sorry but an american accent can be lovely, it can also be harsh, nasely, highpitched and just sickening,  I honestly expected to hear her bubblegum popping!!!
I had  to get over that.

Truth and Maddness

Well I think I am really cracking up Yet again the past is rearing its head. 
I got an email, from fbook, saying that a person Id invited in 2009 has just joined!!! 2009!! eh? Now I did get abit happy, because this person was a really nice friend, thats all I want to say about him.

But Im thinking now that his old email must have been hacked, because why else would he join? I used to get alot of spammy stuff from old emails.  Gaming friends usualy who I recognised the email address.  So its really not that important.  We stopped being friends when I told him that I didnt want the thing that  happened to happen again.  He just assumed...men!  anyway..

I have started writing a book.
Nope not the kids story I said I was going to write, thats still in the pipeline.  Im writing about a victorian lady adventurer who steals an airship and goes on lots of jolly adventures with her robot Basil.  Its not in the usual format, it is written in the form of letters to her daughter. Im enjoying it emensly! hurrrahh!! ( I have only done the prep and two letters so its all still new lol)

PS.  The second book from Elspeth Cooper is not as good as the first Im sad to say.  Tries too hard, skips from one point of view to another and I cant see where it is all going to come together.  Disapointing :(

Dreams

How do you unravel a dream?
I used to dream about a person, I suppose you could call him an ex lover, I used to dream about him when something was up.  Something, like a problem he had, or I dream about him and Id have an email in the morning from him telling me how much he missed me blah blah.
But we have not been in touch for over two years. 
I have not even thought about him or that time in my life for years!

Why did I dream about him last night? Its bothering me because in the dream he just turned up to our house.  My husband let him in like a friend even though he knows a sketchy outline of what happened. 
While he was in our house there was feelings, like, old feelings.  It was just strange and I dont like not knowing.  Even if I wanted to check up on him I couldnt.  He took down his and his wifes blog ages ago.

Anyway its in my brain now so I will have to think on it.

Eggs

I am in pain today. 

My youngest daughter (9) and I went for a 'jog' lastnight. 
We started with 5 mins of fast walking to speed up, then 1 min of run, 1 min off walk for 20 mins. 

IT WAS SERIOUSLY HARD! I havent run for years...many years and many stones lighter might I add.  My trainer was tough on me, and we are going to do it all again on Tuesday maybe.  If my knee recovers because I woke up today and it was stiff, like achy and clicky.  Im sure its ok, just needs a rest.
Anyway I got a new pedomiter thing, because when school starts on Tues I will be walking them back and forth again.  This thing is cool, you have a usb you can plug it into the pc and it downloads the info onto a page.  It logs steps taken 'normal' ,aerobic steps, how many cals you have used, ect. Im very happy with it and Ive only had it for two days!
Have not had a response from the last job application.  I was pretty confident about that too, still, Ill keep looking.
Tonight I realised that Rory from Dr Who is actually rather cute.....googled him and yep...rather cute, but abit odd.

Discombobulated

What I like about Bitterblue is how confused she is, how it feels, to her like everybody else is going crazy. Because she only has these puzzle pieces to try and fit together.  She cant trust anybody, infact slowly, more and more people who are supposed to support and help her are outed as bad guys. 
This is how I feel sometimes too.  She had a small circle of trustworthy friends who she could summon to her side, being queen has its good points. 
Lastnight I had nobody, not one single person I could cry with, or rant at.  I felt alone, like I used too, along time ago.
I did cry, and rant, tho quietly. It didnt make me feel any better. Whats more the person who had made me feel so shit had no idea.  No idea how hurt I felt, how alone.

This is my way, I crawl into my shell and punch and scream silently.
Im tired, forgive my rambling, but blog, you are my only release right now.  I didnt sleep until 5am, and small person woke me at 6.30.  I have faffed about all morning and its going to be along day.